I’ve been having a difficult few days. I’m not really present mentally or emotionally. The best way to describe it is a numbness feeling. I have days, sometimes weeks, when I feel like this, particularly when I’m stressed or have a lot going on. At times there are even days when I can hardly muster up the strength to get out of bed. Thankfully, I haven’t had to deal with any of those days this week.
Right now I’m trying to balance finishing my Performance Self Appraisal (which is this ridiculously intense document that asks employees to evaluate their performance by rating multiple success factors and providing specific examples to support the rating), preparing for an advisory committee meeting to discuss the performance of my center over the last year and address possible improvements (my director invited twenty other staff, faculty, and students), and finish as much as I can tomorrow since I’ll be out of the office next week to advise an alternative spring break trip. And the icing on the cake? My supervisor is on maternity leave until May. It’s a lot. Just reading that sentence overwhelms me. And I feel like I’m pouring out more than I’m being poured into. Don’t worry though, I’m handling it.
That’s what I told my Grandpa today when he told me, “Never let ’em see you sweat.” Really? That’s the best you could come up with? I tell him that I’m having a rough time and that’s all he can say. Honestly, it pissed me off. It’s comments like those that make it difficult for me to open up to others about what’s going on around me. I internalize a lot and only let a select number of people in. It’s not healthy, trust me I know, but it’s the reason why I put so much pressure on myself.
On Monday, my supervisor sent me this video, The Secret to Student Success. I think she thought I would be able to use some of the ideas and concepts with my students. I can. But after finally setting aside time today to watch it, I realized that I can apply some of the takeaways to my own life.
“We were all given the problems that we were supposed to be given so that we can face them. Overcome them. And that’s when we become the person we were meant to be.”
My favorite part of this TEDx video was the advice from Arel’s father. I needed to hear that this week. I needed to hear that today. And I need to hear that every single day until I’m able to believe it myself. Like Arel said, I need to get rid of the mentality that I have to be naturally good at something.
It’s a marathon, not a sprint. I have to keep reminding myself to take things one day at a time, one step at a time. And if others see me sweat, so what.